


Epitaph

by Bleu_Wolf



Series: Mono Mixtape Based Fic [2]
Category: Mobile Legends: Bang Bang (Video Game)
Genre: Dark Character, Gen, Trigger Warning: depression, diary writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22508848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleu_Wolf/pseuds/Bleu_Wolf
Summary: Life is just a massive play. The world is the theatre, the stage for the performance. The actors? Who else but the creatures that are trying to live.In the backstage, you wake up and prepare for the day - shower, choosing what to wear and what to bring outside. The bread tasted stale even if it was freshly made in the bakery. The ripe apple was tasteless on the tastebuds and the coffee was bitter even if you had dumped a ladleful of sugar. Before the curtains were raised, practise your script - make sure to remember all the lines…...all the lies…
Series: Mono Mixtape Based Fic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597765
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Epitaph

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: 
> 
> This might be a trigger to certain people. This was written from when I was at my lowest, in one of my breakdowns. Read at your own risk.

_Life is just a massive play. The world is the theatre, the stage for the performance. The actors? Who else but the creatures that are trying to live._

_In the backstage, you wake up and prepare for the day - shower, choosing what to wear and what to bring outside. The bread tasted stale even if it was freshly made in the bakery. The ripe apple was tasteless on the tastebuds and the coffee was bitter even if you had dumped a ladleful of sugar. Before the curtains were raised, practise your script - make sure to remember all the lines…_

_...all the lies…_

_Funny isn’t it? How simple lies give you comfort than telling the truth. If the truth was told, how effective would it be? The truth yields more discomfort than pleasure. If you say ‘I’m not okay’, how will that help?_

_“Oh, well, is there anything I can do to help?”_

_“Umm uhhh, maybe you should seek a doctor...or a therapist?”_

_“Hey, it’ll be alright. Look on the bright side, okay?”_

_Temporary relief. Never permanent, and are they even genuine?_

_Like I said, life is all about acting._

_Nothing is genuine. Nothing is pure. There is always something hidden behind each word and actions. Never stop expecting to reward for every help you receive. In these days, nothing is free. Everything must be paid, even good deeds. You are too stupid to think people are pure angels that give out help without expecting you to give back, pay back to them._

_It was very easy, to be fake. All I have to do is say the right things, to say what they wanted to hear and everything is alright. They will never know what I feel and that’s fine by me._

_However, there are times where I don’t know myself. The feelings I felt. The emptiness that harbored inside of me. I don’t know where it came from and for how long will it stay? Back then, I thought it was just a phase, just my trauma coming to haunt me yet again. But as I said before, living is all about lying._

_I know very well why I’m upset._

_I met Alucard yesterday, at the coffee shop that he would always visit for his favourite caramel latte. Seven years had gone past and he still has that annoying smile on his face. The royal blue was faded from his worn out varsity jacket. It hung loosely on his shoulders, sometimes he would have to lift his hand just to fix it. Underneath was a crisp white button up, the buttons themselves were straining around the chest._

_What did we talk about? I forgot the details but I know we were just catching up with the past. My eyes won’t stop looking away at the clay beads bracelet he wore on his right wrist._

_That bracelet....it was the reason that got us separated in the first place. I should have expected it sooner. The signs were laid out in front of me anyway._

_I couldn’t recall when Alucard failed his class. His name was always on the list pinned on the principal’s bulletin board outside of his office. Other students would lift him up on their shoulders for scoring the winning point in the basketball team. No teachers that won’t stop praising, no girls that would not squeal when Alucard walked down the hallway in his denim blue jacket and his neatly trimmed blond hair._

_He was the perfect human being. He was everything everyone dreamed off to be - smart, strong and beautiful. Me? I was the exact opposite. I may haven’t failed in my studies but my grades were not something to be proud of. It was satisfactory but not enough to put me under the spotlight. I’m not interested in sports and spent most of my time under a tree with poetry book, ears plugged listening to Pachelbel._

_I remember in one of my sessions with Dr. Lunox, she said, “Balance is an important aspect in living. One element must compliment the other. The shadows exist for the light. Order exist to keep chaos at bay. The negative will exist in correspondence to the positive.”_

_Does Alucard exist to be the light to my darkness? Sounds something like an obsessed stalker would say. I’m not like that (I might be lying to myself again)._

_But, when Alucard chose me as his partner for our school work, it felt like the world was so bright and colourful._

_I never showed him how I feel inside - the happiness that triggered every time he acknowledged me with a simple ‘Hi’. The attention he gave me was as sweet as the syrup poured on a stack of pancakes we always had in Franco’s diner before going to school. I find it funny that he would even give his attention to a loner like me._

_Were the black clothes did not scare him like it scared the others? Or was he too stupid to stay away from me? Whatever it was, it doesn’t matter. His attention was all I need._

_It was intoxicating being the center of his attention. I was a lost puppy trying to get pets and love from him and only him. Alucard held the leash, with each pull got me following him. Just the two of us, no one else._

_Alucard was just another actor like me. He showed the sunshine smile in public when he was actually just suffering as much as me._

_At the age of 10, Alucard lost both of his parents thanks to a car accident. A drunkard had drove into his parents’ car when they were heading back from their anniversary. I guess it’s much worse than having your parents leave you at a fucking orphanage because they can’t take care of you anymore (why bother giving birth to me anyway?)_

_But nothing lasts forever, right?_

_My world crumbled when Alucard was accepted to a college AT ANOTHER STATE!_

_But I should be happy for him, right? He is my friend. My BEST FRIEND_

_ONE AND ONLY_

_No matter how much it hurt, I smiled and tried to share the happiness he felt. As long as that smile is on his face, the pain I felt didn’t matter._

_The future is vague. Its vagueness was like a sniper waiting to assassinate, a bullet straight to my heart. Alucard kept contacting me, always sending me text messages and even called me. We talked about our life in college - of course, with more scoop on Alucard’s side._

_As much as I want to enjoy Alucard being happy, it hurts to know that he was happy BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE._

_I don’t remember who this person was, but I know it was Alucard’s senior. I saw...his pictures...with Alucard in his arms. Alucard posted regularly on his Instagram page - smiling while he was hugging the guy and having that big smile on his face._

_This was another extreme pain I had to endure apart from the one when I knew my parents abandoned me. But this was much worse, this was everlasting. This has no end._

_The day my parents left me. It was just that. They left and it was over. But this, I had to go through it like I’m watching a movie in a theater._

_Theater huh? Hahahaha, right right. Life is all about acting. But I am no actor for this play. I am the audience. I have no control in this. I wish I could direct it, but I can’t. My eyes were locked on their every movement._

_Alucard holding hands with him._

_Alucard laughing with his friends._

_Alucard being with his group of friends._

_I don’t want to be possessive. Alucard deserves to be free. This is his life. Not mine. I have no control over him. I am just another actor and not the director of this play. So I tried to be his co-star._

_Alucard was more than happy to introduce me to his friends. They were nice people. We had our laughs. We looked after each other. We support one another._

_For once, I thought I was at home. But...the inevitable happened._

_I don’t understand. Was I so transparent to them? They were talking about a game once and...I felt something inside of me. It was burning like someone just smothered my heart with acid. The fumes were choking me and instantly I knew what it was._

_Jealousy._

_But I tried to be good, I pushed my feelings away and tried to be happy. I tried to be a good actor in Alucard’s play. I wanted to be the memorable side character that people love. I wanted to stand out just as much as Alucard and his friends._

_Being a fake is so easy. Being a copy is no challenge. I take in their interest, what they enjoy. I share their giddiness and their laughs. It was peaceful, I felt belonged again. They were my new family now._

_Until I noticed, the spotlight on me was fading. I was fading. Everytime we talked, it sounded so hollow, as if it carried no meaning. Back then, they were so invested in my songs and poetry. But now…_

_Whenever I posted my work when they were talking, my text just went up as if it was meaningless. It hurts but I told myself that they didn’t notice. So, I joined in their conversation. Soon the pain I felt drifted away like the paper plane I used to throw as a child from the window of my bedroom._

_A paper plane to take away my sorrow…_

_Then, I did it again. I finished a piece I am most proud of, a music sheet that took me months to complete. No words can explain how excited I was to show them. So I did._

_And again...they ignored it._

_No answers. No response. Even Alucard said nothing despite his status said he was online._

_Why? Why am I so transparent? What did I do to make you people aban-_

_Nonononono they were just busy, is what I told myself every time. There was a war in my head between calm and madness. A tug-o-war in gaining control of me and my emotions. With every tears that fell from my eyes, with every pain that tore my heart,_

_...madness won._

_And that was how I got broken._

_I felt left out. Alucard, who used to be my best friend, now treats me like a stranger. I had a taste of isolation as a child. The kids in school treated me like a ghost and so were the students in high school and so did the ones in college._

_A ghost stuck to live in the mortal realm, abandoned and forgotten for eternity. They can’t see me nor will they hear me. The only time they do is when I haunt them. Ghosts are good at giving out bad energy and they noticed how dense the atmosphere was. They only see me at my worse._

_Alwaysalwaysalways_

_Without fail…_   
_How does a broken man live? Before, I tried to cover it up by laughing but now, even laughing hurts. It sounded so hollow, so fake. So I stopped laughing and started crying. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and let my tears slowly pour out as I listened to my demons._

_Forever alone_

_If I went silent for too long, Alucard would text me-_

_“Hey Granger, are you okay? Haven’t heard from you for a long time.”_

_“I’m fine. Don’t worry.”_

_Liar. That’s who I am. A dirty liar. But hey, for some twisted reason, lies provide me better comfort than the truth. It made him shut up. Alucard would stop asking and went on about his day._

_I don’t know for how long I had to endure, but I did remember leaving the group. I told Alucard I needed some space. He was confused, I can tell from his non-stop stream of messages asking me if I was okay or what’s going on?_

_But it had to be done. Have you tried holding on to something, no matter how much it hurts, but you kept holding because you love it?_

_Imagine letting go. It was bittersweet, but mostly pleasant._

_We lost contact with one another after that. We took different paths now in this life. I pursued my dream in becoming a musician while Alucard continued his studies in Forensics. No surprises there, his father was a famous crime detective. No text messages were sent._

_We are strangers now._

_But seeing him again after all those years, it felt like an illusion. The smile never change but, deep down, I can feel that it no longer shared the same spirit it used to. Did I do that? Or am I just overthinking again?_

_He was engaged, I’m not surprised. The wedding invitation was inside a baby blue envelope that he slipped across the table. I don’t need to see the name to know who it was. The person that always appeared on Alucard’s Instagram page or mentioned on his Twitter feed._

_Martis…_

_What does Alu see in him that got him so hooked? Was it the silver, spiky hair that the guy sometimes pull into a half man bun? Or was it the deep, husky voice I sometimes hear in Alucard’s video he occasionally posted?_

_If I was Martis, would Alucard look at me the same way?_

_I forgot what we talked about the rest. Does it matter if I did remember?_

_So I did what I always do when the show is ending. I take a bow, I said my goodbyes. We parted at the bus station - I take the bus home while he waited for Martis to come and pick him up, like the good fiance’ he is._

_As for me? I just head to the backstage, where I always go when the show ends. No one to see me, the actual me...how I feel inside. It’s odd how I find solace by being hidden. The freedom greeted me as I watched the curtain closed. People can’t see me, not even the tears that came down my face._

_It’s just like standing in the rain. Can you see these teardrops as the rain poured down?_

_For the sake of my own sanity, I allow myself to let go. I’m done getting hurt. I’m done with the betrayal. A rose is beautiful but for how long would you keep holding on to its thorn covered stem? It doesn’t matter in the end, how much it hurts to let go. But I can only hope to forget this pain as I continue to live._

_The show must go on…_

_The camera’s filming. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Say nothing. No need to say anything. Just smile. Everyone is enjoying the show._

**********

Granger closed the leather cover of his journal. Sitting back, a sigh escaped from his darkened lips. The smell of smoke lingered in the air like a loyal spirit. A dying cigarette left crushed in the ashtray along with its brethren. The light from the desk lamp bounced off the green surface of a half full liquor bottle.

With a mind clouded by alcohol and cigarette smoke, he finds it hard to breathe. His chest was always heavy but from what? Guilt? Sadness? Anger?

All these years of faking and hiding made him confused. Sometimes, he was unsure with himself. The days he spent were mostly sitting on the bed staring out the window wondering why his head hurts so much. When the alarm screeched from beside him, it was time to start the day.

He did not need any sleep. The undead never sleeps. Granger shuffled around in his apartment. Leaning against the counter, he stared at the bubbling black coffee inside the pot as his mind wandered aimlessly. It was hollow inside. He couldn’t think. Actually, he doesn’t know what to think.

Because it was pointless.

Alucard, the light of his life, is gone. He is married to Martis now. Granger heard that they lived outside of the state, in Martis’ home. Granger could almost hear the melodious laughter and see that bright smile as Alucard crossed the room to greet his husband.

Why linger so much in the past? Why not move on?

Believe it or not, he tried to move on. He tried to put the past behind him. Granger sat down after breakfast and play on his violin. The tune it played heavily harbored sorrows and despair. Heavy notes filled the atmosphere with melancholy melody of the instrument.

Each stroke on the string made his eyes heavy and his stomach churn in pain. His empty mind flickered past memories to life. He was in a theatre watching a black and white movie, and he can’t look away. Eyes glued to the screen and Granger found himself stuck in a never ending limbo.

No matter how much he tried to let go, he always finds himself stuck in the same spot. Every path leads to a dead end in this maze. Granger tried walking down different alleys, trying to bask in new environments but every little thing reminded him of Alucard. The smell of caramel latte from a coffee shop, even though it was a different one. When Granger walked past a group of young college students, his mind’s eyes see the memories of when he used to be in Alucard’s group of friends. They were all huddled together in thick layers of clothes to fight the cold weather, laughing and happy.

Not caring about the world.

Granger sighed, dropping the hand that held the bow. The depressed musician lifted his head, turning to look at the bright scene behind him. The sun was shining and the birds chirping. Why does it look so gloomy and mute to him?

Looking at the clock, Granger moved to keep his violin in its case. It was near evening, he should be going. The manager might be wondering where he might be if he showed up late. He was lucky to be accepted into the opera house’s orchestra.

Black jacket slung over crisp white shirt. Granger’s boot made heavy thud sound as he walked out of the apartment. The lock clicked before he slipped the key into his jeans’ pocket. Another click caught his ears and it made him turn his head. An elderly woman shakily walked out to the corridor on her walking stick. She looked up when she noticed she was not alone. Seeing the young man in black, the elder woman gave a wrinkled smile.

“Well, hello dear. How’re you today?”

_The camera’s filming. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Say nothing. No need to say anything. Just smile. Everyone is enjoying the show._

“I’m fine, thank you,” Granger smiled.


End file.
